Okay guys.. So.. I’ve gained some weight and i recovered very well:) i’m not afraid to eat anymore, the problem is that it disgusts me. It’s the food. Not me. And yeah.. Two days ago i couldn’t sleep, i had so many nightmares. All with the same content.. I was getting fatter and fatter and fatter. I started crying and i think i had a panic attack
I want to start losing weight again :)
Some might think i shouldn’t do it but it’s my body - my choice! :))
If you could give me some motivation and advise, that’d be great ( feel free to fill my box! ;p)
i think i’ll drink a lot of water and then just go purging, feel like i’m addicted again.. :( my therapist tells me i shouldn’t give in when those thoughts are around.. but right now, she’s not around ;))
I know a lot of you folks have problems feeling shy or inadequate. I do too. When I started going to therapy, one of the first things my psychologist did was give me a list of thinking errors. Everyone has them. When I catch myself having them, sometimes I’ll pull out the list to remind myself that the things I’m thinking aren’t necessarily true. So, I decided to put the list here for other people to see. Maybe it will help someone out.
This particular list was published by Judith S. Beck in 1995, I’m just sharing it.
I’m so sick.. i have a mental breakdown at least once a day and i swear i don’t even feel bad or sad about it i feel like i deserve it.. everyone forgets me hahaha.. and my ex makes the chaos in my life perfect..he wants to crawl back to me and tells me he loves me and that he misses me and i have no idea what to do.. we are all fucked up and doomed to live in this beautiful, sad and cruel world.. well in the end we will die anyway
..everyone kills me a little more inside with their arguments. my mom and my sister both know about my ed. i’ve been to the therapist.. and the only thing they do is to criticise me when i gain some weight and calling me fat.. thank you mom and my sister.. you made it.. after half a year of no suicidal thoughts you made it to make me feel suicidal again. it’s not enough what i’ve been through.. no, you both have to make me feel worse. and still i am in love with that stupid asshole who cheated on me. i can’t stop loving him. i just can’t and i’ll never be able to.. wow.. i was on the ground i thought.. wrong.. i am now ;( why is life so hard? why? i guess i’ll just end it all one day.. and my last words will be i love you.. but it was way to much for me.. i’m sorry i’m such a week person.. goodbye
i wonder who will care.. i know many people will be sad.. but who will really care..
Starting to loose weight again..
It’s all because of my mom, i told her if our relationship wouldn’t get better and she wouldn’t stop shouting at me i’ll stop eating until it gets better.. Until she sees what she destroyes again.. And the only thing she replied was that it would be better if i didn’t eat so i can have a good bikini figur .. I wouldn’t be mad at Herr if she didn’t know about my ed. But that’s the point.. She does. Well, mom. I can tell you nothing gives me more power than the will to break someone.. So here i go again starving for peace and love.. But i think this time it will be the last time.. Unfortunately i think i won’t survive this…